there is really no way to impress upon others what Scott's absence ihas deprived the world of nor is there any way to fathom what the world was not given enough time to impress upon Scott, how it would have continued to morph and refine him throughout this journey. it is the premature termination of this dynamic that i continue to struggle against. he should be here, he never should have left. he was creative, he was sensitive, he was

there is really no way to impress upon others what Scott's absence ihas deprived the world of nor is there any way to fathom what the world was not given enough time to impress upon Scott, how it would have continued to morph and refine him throughout this journey. it is the premature termination of this dynamic that i continue to struggle against. he should be here, he never should have left. he was creative, he was sensitive, he was idealistic, he was critical, he was loyal, and he was so very wonderful in a million tiny insignificant ways that i couldn't possibly express them all, and sadly i can not remember them all.

this one time we met and it was like in an instant we had always been together and we stayed up all night talking in my car even though he was flying to paris in the morning. once we stole a bike from a junkie, once we walked from one end of Manhattan to the other because i wanted to buy a shirt and have no concept of distance, once we wrote letters and sent postcards because we were on different continents, once i drove 12 miles to pick him up in ohio, and once he drove me home from the wetlands because i was nodding out, many times we left reality behind, so many times, and we were there for each other when reality was in front. once we had five cats, and once he had a gray honda element. many times we went camping or out driving or to a diner for breakfast or to blockbuster to rent a movie or to the Poconos to go hiking. a few times we went to john and peters and one time i was really mean. once we got a marriage certificate but never got the marriage, that is one of the ones i regret the most. a bunch of times we got into fights and a bunch of times i moved out and in...a bunch of times. this one fight was because he said i was going the wrong way on broadway to get to the holland tunnel, impossible i said because broadway only goes one way, this was a fight...stupid. a bunch of times i drew pictures of him and a bunch of times he refused to get out of bed. one time we collected shells and white rocks at the shore. one time he held me as i cried because i found a bunny in the street that had to be put down. this one time he gave me a toilet seat cover for christmas, because all the time i would sit on the toilet while he took a shower and talk to him. a bunch of times we would walk at this park near our house and a few times we would run there. a bunch of times we would order cheese-steaks and watch stargate sg1. and one time we went to a casino and won money with just one bet. one time we slow danced at a work christmas party and one time we made out at a ska show. one time i dragged him to morimoto's and he ordered chicken teriyaki...very adventurous...one time we went for indonesian in amsterdam and that was him being very adventurous. one time i was under the covers when he came home and he didn't know i was there so i saw him just being him the way people are themselves when they think they are alone and it was the single most amazing experience in our entire relationship, one time i had to carry him unconscious through heathrow airport and they almost did not let us board our connection. one time i read all his private journals and inner thoughts without his permission. one time i got a dog and he got mad...this was a fight...stupid. one time i said i didnt love him. and one time he left me a voicemail message that i deleted without listening to, and then one time i called him but he never called me back and then this last time he died. there are a bunch of other things that happened but the one that weighs heavy on my mind is the last thing. i hate it that he is dead. i miss him. if i could change one thing it would be that.