Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Justin,

Thanks for your note.

It only took you one short sentence to ask the most powerful question.

It’s also a question that has to be restated to be answered.

“Getting past” something carries the idea that you might somehow be able to forget what they did. That’s not really possible.

Many people get stuck on the images attached to the end of someone’s life. Whether it was cancer, or an auto accident, or a murder, the images are sometimes really ugly.

Certain methods of suicide are horrible to see or even think about.

As you’ve probably already figured out, trying “not” to think about it doesn’t work. And what usually happens, is that people just keep thinking about that ugly ending over and over and over.

The problem, when you’re stuck on the ending, is that you eliminate all of the other elements of the relationship you had with the person over your lifetime.

What we teach people to do, is to acknowledge the pain of the last image and then think about and talk about some of the other things that they remember about their relationship with the person.

For example: I will assume that the person who died was your spouse. If you told me how she took her life, I might say to you, “What a painful last image for you to have to carry forward.” Then I would ask, “Can you remember the first time you ever saw her in your life?”

I have done that thousands of times with grieving people who were “stuck” on the last painful image – whether it was cancer or murder, or suicide. When I acknowledge the pain of the last image and then ask about the first time they saw or met the other person, there is an incredible change in the conversation. Many times I can almost see their smile though the phone as they remember that first meeting, or the day their child was born – if they had a child die.

Acknowledging the pain of that last image, allows you to access the whole relationship, not just the end of it. Then you can do the emotional work you need to do to deal with your broken heart.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John