Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear N,

Thanks for your note and question.
There are a couple of major elements in your email that we want to address. They fall under a heading that is very important to understand. In The Grief Recovery Handbook we use an acronym, STERBs, to signify Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors. Those are the things we do, as grievers, that seem to relieve or dispel some of the overwhelming build-up of emotional energy that is caused by the death of the person we are grieving. The problem with STERBs is built into the first two words, Short Term. There is no Long Term relief when we just use up energy which only distracts us from our pain, it doesn’t make it go away.

Among the most common Short Term Relievers is Anger. The problem with Anger is that you can never finish or complete it. It just keeps looping, like a hamster on a wheel. And the more time you spend using your energy to express the Anger, no time is spent on what would help you Discover and Complete what was left emotionally unfinished for you by your husband’s untimely death.

The other issues you brought up, are also among the most typical STERBS—sleeping, spending endless hours watching TV, or reading escapist novels. Those non-action/activities also do nothing to help you Discover and Complete what was left emotionally unfinished for you by your husband’s untimely death.

Get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it suggests, and you will finally have the opportunity to complete the pain and anger you feel. We cannot help you get your husband back, but we can help you can get your heart back and have a life of meaning and value even though he is gone.

With giant hugs,
Russell & John