Q & A with David Kessler
Question from Dreamy1963--NEW
Good Morning Mr. Kessler,
I found the obituary of the man I have loved for the last 3 1/2 years on the internet and my name was excluded as if I didn't exist. The family loved me up until 3 months ago until his child—who was rebellious prior to his death—fabricated things in her defense to the grandmother about not only her dad, but myself as well.
What confuses me is why they would believe her when the sad part is, the family never had a good word to say about their son nor their granddaughter. I was in the middle of it all (extreme drama) and endured unimaginable events, and ended up excluded entirely. I was with him 2 hours prior to his death and everyday before that.
I still don't know his cause of death and do not know how to even find it other then to call his friends and, at this point, that is humiliating. I am trying to put this to rest but I still have questions.
Unfortunately, I did not see through his mom until it was too late. He warned me and tried to stay away from her himself before his death. But, she had the ultimate control by having guardianship over his daughter which transpired due to the fabrications above.
How do these things happen? The wicked come across as religious and wholesome but instead they are like black widows wanting to control your being and then crush you at your weakest moment?
Sent in by dreamy1963
Answer from David
Dear Dreamy1963,
Obituaries are a snapshot in time taken by the person who's holding the camera. In other words, they are sometimes only one person's view of how they want to sum up another person's lifetime. Most people find current newspaper obituaries very limited that in the most basic sense, space wise, they really cannot encompass who someone really was. Because one person usually does them, they're often not a collaborative effort and they tend to be just the facts or perception as one person's sees it. That is why it is not unusual to have more than one obituary for someone. Sometimes a wife in Illinois may have provided the obituary of her husband since that is where he lived and died, and the daughter in California may put another one in her local paper that more reflects who the person was to her. All the information actually highlights many of the reasons Tributes came to be because it can be collaborative and inclusive. There is as much space as needed for a loved one's information, and more than one person can put up a tribute. Or, if you felt like the obituary that you placed in the paper was inadequate, you could place an additional one on Tributes.
I can't imagine how painful it would be to exist in someone's life and not in their obituary. It sounds like from your email this was not a space issue, but an intended omission. For that, I am sorry to hear. Just know in life all that you shared with this person, all the good times you had, all the love that was present, never dies. No one can ever take that away from you. That is ultimately what you have control over.
In terms of his mom now having guardianship over the child, death has a way of reshuffling life. Our worlds change and our roles change. I invite you to mourn for what was and the relationships and roles that existed. And when you can, try to see the new roles and relationships that exist and see if there isn't some kind of bridge building you can make now. One of the blocks that gets in our way of reinventing these relationships is that we are often so sad and angry that they are not what they used to be, so we become mad that we have to readjust to the way things have been shuffled and having to adjust to this new family that has replaced the old one. If you can, when you feel like you have gotten past some of the initial anger and sadness, try to find the love you felt for his child and letting go of everything else.
I realize all that I've said is so much easier said than done. But no matter whether you succeed or not, I think you will feel better knowing you've have tried for his child, for the memories, and for his love. I wish you all the luck in the world.
David
I found the obituary of the man I have loved for the last 3 1/2 years on the internet and my name was excluded as if I didn't exist. The family loved me up until 3 months ago until his child—who was rebellious prior to his death—fabricated things in her defense to the grandmother about not only her dad, but myself as well.
What confuses me is why they would believe her when the sad part is, the family never had a good word to say about their son nor their granddaughter. I was in the middle of it all (extreme drama) and endured unimaginable events, and ended up excluded entirely. I was with him 2 hours prior to his death and everyday before that.
I still don't know his cause of death and do not know how to even find it other then to call his friends and, at this point, that is humiliating. I am trying to put this to rest but I still have questions.
Unfortunately, I did not see through his mom until it was too late. He warned me and tried to stay away from her himself before his death. But, she had the ultimate control by having guardianship over his daughter which transpired due to the fabrications above.
How do these things happen? The wicked come across as religious and wholesome but instead they are like black widows wanting to control your being and then crush you at your weakest moment?
Sent in by dreamy1963
Answer from David
Dear Dreamy1963,
Obituaries are a snapshot in time taken by the person who's holding the camera. In other words, they are sometimes only one person's view of how they want to sum up another person's lifetime. Most people find current newspaper obituaries very limited that in the most basic sense, space wise, they really cannot encompass who someone really was. Because one person usually does them, they're often not a collaborative effort and they tend to be just the facts or perception as one person's sees it. That is why it is not unusual to have more than one obituary for someone. Sometimes a wife in Illinois may have provided the obituary of her husband since that is where he lived and died, and the daughter in California may put another one in her local paper that more reflects who the person was to her. All the information actually highlights many of the reasons Tributes came to be because it can be collaborative and inclusive. There is as much space as needed for a loved one's information, and more than one person can put up a tribute. Or, if you felt like the obituary that you placed in the paper was inadequate, you could place an additional one on Tributes.
I can't imagine how painful it would be to exist in someone's life and not in their obituary. It sounds like from your email this was not a space issue, but an intended omission. For that, I am sorry to hear. Just know in life all that you shared with this person, all the good times you had, all the love that was present, never dies. No one can ever take that away from you. That is ultimately what you have control over.
In terms of his mom now having guardianship over the child, death has a way of reshuffling life. Our worlds change and our roles change. I invite you to mourn for what was and the relationships and roles that existed. And when you can, try to see the new roles and relationships that exist and see if there isn't some kind of bridge building you can make now. One of the blocks that gets in our way of reinventing these relationships is that we are often so sad and angry that they are not what they used to be, so we become mad that we have to readjust to the way things have been shuffled and having to adjust to this new family that has replaced the old one. If you can, when you feel like you have gotten past some of the initial anger and sadness, try to find the love you felt for his child and letting go of everything else.
I realize all that I've said is so much easier said than done. But no matter whether you succeed or not, I think you will feel better knowing you've have tried for his child, for the memories, and for his love. I wish you all the luck in the world.
David
