Q & A with David Kessler
Question from John--NEW
Good afternoon Mr. Kessler,
I hope you can help me. A year and a half ago my partner of 34 years passed away (gay couple). He was 63 I'm 53. He was diagnosed with cancer and I promised him he would never go to hospice or a nursing home. He told me his wishes were to pass away at home.
I did my best to care for him with the help of nurses from hospice. I thank God he gave us the time to talk and settle things between us. He did died peacefully at home with me by his side.
My question is, why do I dream about him so often?
I had a wake for him on a Friday here it home, about a month after he had passed. I dreamed he was at my bedside the Thursday before and asked me who was coming to the wake. I told him the names of people that would be here and he said, "Okay" and I woke up.
Recently I dreamed he was sitting by my bed and kissed me. We talked for a bit but I don't remember the conversation. Then he said he had to go
.
His final wishes were for me to spread his ashes in the ocean which I still have here at home and have not done yet.
Hope you can help me with this.
Sincerely,
John Martinez
Reply from David
Dear John,
In the book that I wrote with Elisabeth Kübler Ross, On Grief and Grieving, we said, "it is not unusual to dream that your loved one is still alive. Dreams often make promises they can't keep, a trick of our psyche that brings with it a fleeting feeling of reconnection. Many people say that regardless of the outcome of the dream, they are grateful for even a few more moments with a loved one."
Dreams can provide information about what is really going on inside us. Dreams may serve many purposes including a distraction from pain or a demonstration of the soul grappling with reality. Regardless of their meaning, dreams help us deal with incomprehensible feelings while we sleep, an aid to the grief process, as the unconscious mind cannot distinguish between a wish and reality. After a loss, the need to feel that our loved ones still exist somehow, somewhere, can be very important. Dreams are a very private way to find some reassurance, when our world of logic can offer us none. We may not realize how much we work out psychologically in our dream state. Consider the fact that all of us dream every night, but only a small percentage of us are aware of our dreams after we awaken. Dreams can become a meeting place between the world of the living and the realm of the deceased. When people dream of a loved one, they often report feeling a sense of peace afterward, a reassurance beyond words. Some have pangs of pain at first waking when they realized it was only a dream; but, eventually, the dreams will begin to subside and become less frequent. While they are still happening, they often represent a form of communication, reassurance and emotional support from seeing the one person we desire the most. The dream of a loved one can also represent unfinished business, the chance to complete something that was suddenly ended. Dreams offer us the opportunity to say goodbye and to let go. They also allow us to give and receive permission for a loved one, and us, to move on."
John, as it says above, your dreams may represent reassurance, unfinished business or even a chance to say good bye again. Only you know for sure. If you don't, you can make it your intention to ask your partner, "Why are you here?" or "Is there anything else you need? Or use the experience to say what you need to say to him. But most of all, enjoy the dreams. Those who don't have bereavement dreams often wish they had them and have to use techniques to try to get them to happen.
Don't be afraid of them, they are perfectly normal. I wish you peace in exploring the dreams.
I hope you can help me. A year and a half ago my partner of 34 years passed away (gay couple). He was 63 I'm 53. He was diagnosed with cancer and I promised him he would never go to hospice or a nursing home. He told me his wishes were to pass away at home.
I did my best to care for him with the help of nurses from hospice. I thank God he gave us the time to talk and settle things between us. He did died peacefully at home with me by his side.
My question is, why do I dream about him so often?
I had a wake for him on a Friday here it home, about a month after he had passed. I dreamed he was at my bedside the Thursday before and asked me who was coming to the wake. I told him the names of people that would be here and he said, "Okay" and I woke up.
Recently I dreamed he was sitting by my bed and kissed me. We talked for a bit but I don't remember the conversation. Then he said he had to go
.
His final wishes were for me to spread his ashes in the ocean which I still have here at home and have not done yet.
Hope you can help me with this.
Sincerely,
John Martinez
Reply from David
Dear John,
In the book that I wrote with Elisabeth Kübler Ross, On Grief and Grieving, we said, "it is not unusual to dream that your loved one is still alive. Dreams often make promises they can't keep, a trick of our psyche that brings with it a fleeting feeling of reconnection. Many people say that regardless of the outcome of the dream, they are grateful for even a few more moments with a loved one."
Dreams can provide information about what is really going on inside us. Dreams may serve many purposes including a distraction from pain or a demonstration of the soul grappling with reality. Regardless of their meaning, dreams help us deal with incomprehensible feelings while we sleep, an aid to the grief process, as the unconscious mind cannot distinguish between a wish and reality. After a loss, the need to feel that our loved ones still exist somehow, somewhere, can be very important. Dreams are a very private way to find some reassurance, when our world of logic can offer us none. We may not realize how much we work out psychologically in our dream state. Consider the fact that all of us dream every night, but only a small percentage of us are aware of our dreams after we awaken. Dreams can become a meeting place between the world of the living and the realm of the deceased. When people dream of a loved one, they often report feeling a sense of peace afterward, a reassurance beyond words. Some have pangs of pain at first waking when they realized it was only a dream; but, eventually, the dreams will begin to subside and become less frequent. While they are still happening, they often represent a form of communication, reassurance and emotional support from seeing the one person we desire the most. The dream of a loved one can also represent unfinished business, the chance to complete something that was suddenly ended. Dreams offer us the opportunity to say goodbye and to let go. They also allow us to give and receive permission for a loved one, and us, to move on."
John, as it says above, your dreams may represent reassurance, unfinished business or even a chance to say good bye again. Only you know for sure. If you don't, you can make it your intention to ask your partner, "Why are you here?" or "Is there anything else you need? Or use the experience to say what you need to say to him. But most of all, enjoy the dreams. Those who don't have bereavement dreams often wish they had them and have to use techniques to try to get them to happen.
Don't be afraid of them, they are perfectly normal. I wish you peace in exploring the dreams.
