Loss and Grieving
Writing No. 3 - 9 months after my sister's death
I wish I could tell you that the pain will go away and everything will go back to normal. And honestly, it kind of does, but only because you learn to cope with the pain you feel and the hole that you feel in your heart. It’s a pain that no matter how hurt and sad you've been before, it doesn't even come close to how this feels. Nine months later, there are days I go about and everything seems the same, it just feels like my sister is on vacation. It’s the days that I realize she's never coming back that hit me hard. Or I think I'm doing good and then I have a dream about my sister and I wake up crying b/c I know that I'll never get to see her smile again, except through my dreams.
Each person is different in how they deal and cope with the loss of a sibling or a loved one. And no matter how much others around you say they understand and they feel for you, really, no one has any idea what you are going through, but someone that has been there, and even then I find it hard to compare. I think that Barbara Ascher said it best: “Siblings may be ambivalent about their relationships in life, but in death the power of their bond strangles the surviving heart.”
Losing my sister has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life. Though all of my friends around me say that I am one of the strongest people they know and they can't believe how strong I have been through this whole ordeal. I think that the only thing that has kept me strong is that I know I have my mom and my sister in heaven watching over me, keeping me strong. I stay strong for the people around me....my dad, my auntie, my friends, everyone. It's a lot easier to stay strong for someone you love than to stay strong for yourself. And I think that's what you need to keep telling yourself. Though, don't get me wrong, I believe that you need to break down and lose it and feel like your world has ended...and that's because you have to let those feelings out. You have to know that it is okay to cry and cry and feel like you will never stop crying, because eventually, one day, you do.
Another thing that has helped me in all of this is my faith in God. My religion has helped to pull me through this. God says that He will never give you more than you can handle. And though there are times and there will be times where you feel like you just can't go on anymore, keep your faith and God will pull you through those times. God has a plan for each and every one of us and whether we or the people around us are ready for it, when it’s our time to go, it’s our time and we have served our purpose on earth and we get rewarded with glories of Heaven. I don't blame God for allowing this to happen to my sister and allowing the people that loved her hurt so much. Though I think that is the initial reaction of most. It’s odd, in fact, I never once but blame on God, not now and not even when my Mom passed away. I know that God will take care of all of us if we allow him to and He will comfort us when I need it.
Keep loved ones and friends as close as you can and don't let them go. You will want to shut everyone out of your life, but those good friends and loved ones, won’t let you. They will stick next to you, they will listen to you cry for hour on hours and days on days. I have realized a lot in the last nine months. Things about myself, my family, my friends, things that make me happy, sad and just all around pissed off. These things are all normal. Don’t ever think that what you are feeling is not normal, because no one can tell you what a normal feeling is. The best way I have found to deal with all of these feelings is I shut everything out around me that is negative. After everything I have been through in my life, the last thing I want is a negative person constantly bringing me down. And I’m not talking about someone that has troubles and needs help, I’m talking about those people in your life, and we all have them, that no matter what is going on, you can always look to them to be at the bottom of a dirty pot. Surround yourself with positive people and no matter how hard it may seem, if there is someone around you that is negative, try to turn their negativity into something positive. This can be exhausting, but if you feel it is worth it and you feel that these people need your help, then do everything you can to help them. You will realize at some point, though, that some people are beyond your help. Though it may be selfish, to me, helping someone to improve themselves makes you feel better inside. And sometimes, you just have to be selfish to bring you some bit of happiness.
Talk about your loss. Talk about the good times and things that make you laugh. Yes, this will make you miss them even more, but it will also make you realize how blessed you were to have shared those moments with them. Listen to other people's stories and the things they have to share. The more you listen the more you will realize how many people's lives were touched by your loved one. I am amazed to this day by the number of people whose lives were impacted by my sister. It makes me feel so good to know that she touched so many people.
Don’t be scared to embrace what the future has in store for you. Though your life will never be the same because they won’t be there in person to share life’s wonderful experiences with you, they will be there; not in person, but in spirit and in the hearts of those who love you. There are so many thing that I think about in the future that just won’t be the same because I don’t have my sister next to my side…my wedding, pregnancy, watching our children play together and just growing old together. I think of the things that she missed out on in life and for her, I will make sure that I don’t. I will be that “mommy” that she always wanted to be, I will be that “wife” that she always wanted to be and most importantly, my children will know what an amazing Auntie Allie they have in Heaven. The future can be hard to think about and very scary at times, but it is the future and it will come whether you are ready for it or not.
I hope these words help to find you comfort. Though it may feel at times that you won't pull through this, you will. You have to, not just for yourself, but everyone around you. Whether you realize it or not, everyone that is around you needs you in one way or another. Heck, they may not even realize it now, but one day it becomes very evident.
Oh, and one last thing, once you get through the first few months or years, what ever it takes you, make sure that you tell those that have stayed next to you through everything how much you love them and how thankful you are to have them in your life. Those are people that you will never forget about.
Each person is different in how they deal and cope with the loss of a sibling or a loved one. And no matter how much others around you say they understand and they feel for you, really, no one has any idea what you are going through, but someone that has been there, and even then I find it hard to compare. I think that Barbara Ascher said it best: “Siblings may be ambivalent about their relationships in life, but in death the power of their bond strangles the surviving heart.”
Losing my sister has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life. Though all of my friends around me say that I am one of the strongest people they know and they can't believe how strong I have been through this whole ordeal. I think that the only thing that has kept me strong is that I know I have my mom and my sister in heaven watching over me, keeping me strong. I stay strong for the people around me....my dad, my auntie, my friends, everyone. It's a lot easier to stay strong for someone you love than to stay strong for yourself. And I think that's what you need to keep telling yourself. Though, don't get me wrong, I believe that you need to break down and lose it and feel like your world has ended...and that's because you have to let those feelings out. You have to know that it is okay to cry and cry and feel like you will never stop crying, because eventually, one day, you do.
Another thing that has helped me in all of this is my faith in God. My religion has helped to pull me through this. God says that He will never give you more than you can handle. And though there are times and there will be times where you feel like you just can't go on anymore, keep your faith and God will pull you through those times. God has a plan for each and every one of us and whether we or the people around us are ready for it, when it’s our time to go, it’s our time and we have served our purpose on earth and we get rewarded with glories of Heaven. I don't blame God for allowing this to happen to my sister and allowing the people that loved her hurt so much. Though I think that is the initial reaction of most. It’s odd, in fact, I never once but blame on God, not now and not even when my Mom passed away. I know that God will take care of all of us if we allow him to and He will comfort us when I need it.
Keep loved ones and friends as close as you can and don't let them go. You will want to shut everyone out of your life, but those good friends and loved ones, won’t let you. They will stick next to you, they will listen to you cry for hour on hours and days on days. I have realized a lot in the last nine months. Things about myself, my family, my friends, things that make me happy, sad and just all around pissed off. These things are all normal. Don’t ever think that what you are feeling is not normal, because no one can tell you what a normal feeling is. The best way I have found to deal with all of these feelings is I shut everything out around me that is negative. After everything I have been through in my life, the last thing I want is a negative person constantly bringing me down. And I’m not talking about someone that has troubles and needs help, I’m talking about those people in your life, and we all have them, that no matter what is going on, you can always look to them to be at the bottom of a dirty pot. Surround yourself with positive people and no matter how hard it may seem, if there is someone around you that is negative, try to turn their negativity into something positive. This can be exhausting, but if you feel it is worth it and you feel that these people need your help, then do everything you can to help them. You will realize at some point, though, that some people are beyond your help. Though it may be selfish, to me, helping someone to improve themselves makes you feel better inside. And sometimes, you just have to be selfish to bring you some bit of happiness.
Talk about your loss. Talk about the good times and things that make you laugh. Yes, this will make you miss them even more, but it will also make you realize how blessed you were to have shared those moments with them. Listen to other people's stories and the things they have to share. The more you listen the more you will realize how many people's lives were touched by your loved one. I am amazed to this day by the number of people whose lives were impacted by my sister. It makes me feel so good to know that she touched so many people.
Don’t be scared to embrace what the future has in store for you. Though your life will never be the same because they won’t be there in person to share life’s wonderful experiences with you, they will be there; not in person, but in spirit and in the hearts of those who love you. There are so many thing that I think about in the future that just won’t be the same because I don’t have my sister next to my side…my wedding, pregnancy, watching our children play together and just growing old together. I think of the things that she missed out on in life and for her, I will make sure that I don’t. I will be that “mommy” that she always wanted to be, I will be that “wife” that she always wanted to be and most importantly, my children will know what an amazing Auntie Allie they have in Heaven. The future can be hard to think about and very scary at times, but it is the future and it will come whether you are ready for it or not.
I hope these words help to find you comfort. Though it may feel at times that you won't pull through this, you will. You have to, not just for yourself, but everyone around you. Whether you realize it or not, everyone that is around you needs you in one way or another. Heck, they may not even realize it now, but one day it becomes very evident.
Oh, and one last thing, once you get through the first few months or years, what ever it takes you, make sure that you tell those that have stayed next to you through everything how much you love them and how thankful you are to have them in your life. Those are people that you will never forget about.
