Q & A with David Kessler
Question from Camilla
My best friend lost her son over a year ago from an undiagnosed heart defect. Understandably, the loss devastated her family but a year later, she is still deeply depressed and cannot seem to get past his death. I know that there is no way to ever completely recover from such a profound loss, but she has another son whom she has been somewhat neglectful of being so entrenched in her own grief. I can tell that he is struggling with his brother’s loss and also the loss of his mother’s emotional presence in his everyday life. To complicate matters, my friend was especially close with the son who passed away and I think her surviving son has always sensed this favoritism and it has compounded his feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
How do I gently address this with my friend and remind her that her surviving son desperately needs her not only as a mother, but also as an understanding ally in their mutual grief?
Sincerely,
Camilla
Comments:
Reply from David
Dear Camilla,
What a terrible, terrible situation for everyone to be in. Death sometimes not only robs us of our child but can rob us of our present day and even our future. I think you already have the right approach to focus on your friend’s surviving child and his needs. There is perhaps no reason to point out that the mother has been neglectful, but rather focusing on how her son needs her and also to perhaps discuss how, as adults, we model for children grief and that our kids are going to go through losses throughout their lifetime. We are constantly teaching them by our actions how to handle loss.
You didn’t talk about the deceased child’s relationship with the surviving child prior to the loss. I am wondering if this is something you could also bring up. You could ask her if it just might be possible that the deceased child now may actually want her to give all of her attention to the surviving child. Be sure to mention, though, that the deceased child will always have a permanent place in her heart. Let’s also be very honest. Most parents sometimes do have a favorite child just as most children actually have a favorite parent. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, just a point of information. I do believe when people think about one child being a favorite, if the child that was not a favorite had died, it would be a devastating loss for the mother also. So that child can be her favorite child in death, now this child has to be her favorite child in life.
Focus on the child’s needs and the love you know that mother can still give and know that she may need someone just like you to be the extra support to get her through this. Perhaps you could talk to her and ask if there is something you could do for her surviving son that may help engage her also. How lucky they are to have a friend like you who cares. I wish you well in this tough situation.
