Q & A with David Kessler
Question from Carter
I’m 31 years old and recently lost my fiancée to cancer 7 months ago. I am coping as best I can and try to focus on all the joyful memories and experiences we had together. My problem is that I’m struggling with a lot of the comments and expressions of sympathy that I have received from people. Among them are, “At least you’ll always remember her as young and beautiful,” and “Once you get past your grief you’ll begin dating again and eventually meet someone else to spend your life with.” These comments, although well-intentioned, are hurtful to me and I never know how to respond back.
How do I address insensitive comments when I know people are just trying to be nice? Any advice would be helpful.
Carter
Comments:
Reply from David
Dear Carter,
Great question! Those comments, while well intentioned, do not recognize the full loss that you have experienced. Your friends see you in pain and feel that pain, and by trying to focus on the bright side hope they will lessen your pain as well as their own. You might notice in the published articles that we have “The Best and Worst Things to Say when Someone is in Grief”. Here is a link to them: view link It might be helpful for you to read them over, and it might be helpful to let your friends know about them. Perhaps if you have a tribute to your fiancé on your tributes site, you might invite them to visit her obituary but also mention there’s an article you find interesting about the best and worst things to say when someone is in grief.
In terms of what they’ve said, you can educate your friends by sharing with them why you are glad to have known her while she was young and beautiful, that you will miss the decades that were yet to come, and how much you would have loved to grow old with her. When someone says you will be able to date again, you can certainly say, “Yes I will, but right now I miss my loved one so much and no matter how much I date, I will never meet another person such as her.”
And the last thing I want to say to you is, no one can ever fully understand or assess all that you have lost. That is for you and you to know alone. And ultimately what you know, what you miss, and what you grieve is what counts.
