Q & A with David Kessler
Question from Kara
Last fall I lost my mother after she suffered a heart attack while on vacation. The suddenness of her death was overwhelming in scope and it has only been in the last couple of months that I feel myself coming back to some semblance of normalcy and learning to cope with life without her.
I have a close friend who also lost her mother around the same time who tries her best to help me through my loss. Her mother suffered from a debilitating disease. Her death, although very sad and tragic, was expected and all of her family members had a lovely opportunity to express their love and say goodbye to her before she passed. The problem is, when my friend tries to commiserate with me about the loss of our mothers, I find myself feeling resentful that she was able to say goodbye to her mother and had time to process the inevitable as opposed to the sudden shock I experienced with my mother’s death. If only I had had that same opportunity to say goodbye! I know it’s crazy, but I feel as though she has no idea what I’m going through and I get angry when she assumes our grief is the same. I know she’s only trying to help—how do I get over this resentment and learn to lean on her as we have both experienced such a terrible loss.
Kara
Comments:
Reply from David
Dear Kara,
I would suggest a bereavement support group that includes some other individuals who have suffered a sudden loss such as you have. In grief, we cannot expect anyone else in their grief to fully comprehend ours. Your friend is trying to find comfort in the loss that you share. What you want from your friend is something she cannot give. She cannot understand a sudden loss because she did not have one. That’s why as much as you can take that responsibility or expectation for her to understand it and put that on someone else, perhaps in a bereavement group who has experienced a sudden loss, then you will be able to share your grief of being so sudden and the loss of the goodbye with someone else who also did not get to have a goodbye. After that your friend will be able to be a friend who also lost her mother and you will have no other expectations of her.
Bereavement groups can be wonderful in that they can help us dissipate our need to get support from just one person and receive understanding from a few different people. And, as hard as it is, try to find a deeper level of compassion for your friend who has lost her mother as well as deeper compassion for yourself.
