Loss and Grieving

Matthew, not for one moment do i want to take away from your grief, but i do have some personal experience with this. I have been with my husband for 32 years and do not even want to think about losing him. But i have lost my father and although i am not one of those "ingrates" you spoke of, some of siblings went through that. My stepmother was with my father for 28 years before he passed. My siblings felt like they had no business being together, but still my father allowed them to come live with him every time they needed a place to stay, and he gave them everything he had. This came at the expense of my stepmother and their relationship. In his final years, he grew very ill. He choose to spend that time with my siblings, driving his wife away, but i believe he just couldn't stand to see the look of sorrow in her eyes. But even his passing was not enough, my siblings have worked hard to drive my stepmother out of their lives. They did not want her to be a part of the decision making process after his passing. There was a lot of resentment when they were notified it was her call since she was still his spouse. It has been eight years now and the dust is just now beginning to settle. I don't know if it was truly because as so many say "time will heal" because i do not believe that when it comes to the passing of my brother. But i do believe the passing of my brother gave their pain a different direction, an outlet of sorts, as well as other major changes in all their lives. They are now letting go and each is redefining their relationship with my stepmother one at a time, finally figuring out where she fits in their new lives. I do not believe you are a "sucker". You are someone who gave them love and much more, but their grief is blinding them to that right now. They are looking for someone to blame for their loss and you are an easy target. In the end, they will remember your love and generosity. I just hope you will still be there with open arms to welcome them. Love and forgiveness are not always easy, but well worth the rewards.

Matthew you are not a sucker ~ you are a warm and caring person. You could only do what came naturally to you at the time. To do any less means you wouldn't have been yourself surely. Pauline's sons are angry in their grief and hitting out at the one person there to hit out at. It's painful for you but please try to be strong ~ let God pick you up and carry you for a while.

Hi Matthew,
I know the kind of love you are talking about. It is painful losing a loved one especially a spouse. Keep in mind that he stepkids are grieving along with you. It doesn't make it right what they are saying to you or how they are treating you. They have to find someone to blame for the loss of their mother. All arrows are pointing towards you in their eyes because you were supposed to be "God" and save their mother. One day they will realize that only "God" himself has the ability to breathe life in us and take life from us. He is the author of our lives and the one in control. I'm not saying that I believe that God brings on disease because I don't believe that for a minute. There is always a greater purpose when there is a death and really we won't know exactly what that is until we get to the other side and cross over. Hang in there, Matt. Your stepkids are grieving for her loss and anger is a "cover up" for the intense sadness they feel about losing their mom. I lost my mom at the age of 13 and I can identify all the same feelings that your step kids are feeling about the loss of their beloved mom. It feels like you lose a part of your identity when you lose a parent. They are our examples and the ones we hold in high esteem. My mom is the one who inspired me to be a teacher, because seeing her in the classroom was such an inspiration. I told myself that when I grew up I wanted to be just like her. Things will get better as time passes by. You and I are in the same boat. My loss recently is due to a relationship ending, but it feels like a death to me. Best of luck to you.

Beverly Bucsanyi

From an 18 years olds perspective on life all I can say is that appreciating what you still have left is the greatest remedy to anything. I lost a friend when I was younger...bout thirteen at the time and it literally drove me insane to have to be without him every day....I wondered what would I do and how would I get by...its not as deep as what you are going through but I can't even begin to fathom the pain you must feel. I am actually just starting a relationship with someone who is actually only two years younger than you and i have thought of what it is going to be like to have to lose him while i am still young. If nature carries out correctly...he will go before me and I think I may be in your situation many years from now and i dread it so much...but the one thing I am doing is preparing myself for it, if I ever get there. I am going to tell you what I tell myself every day when i wake up and when I lay down to sleep next to him. Be thankful that you at least got to meet them and live with them the short time that you did. Trust me I know how hard that can be because the memories just eat at you every day and its all you can think about. Finding joy in anything can be hopeless but you can't let the hatred from others and the pain deplete your life. I know that things always happen for a reason and i have a firm belief that when you have done everything that you were meant to do on this planet...its your time to go. Your wife gave everything that she could in this lifetime...as hard as it may seem to understand...I know that things happen to teach us a lesson. We are put here on this planet for a short time to learn something. We all search to know what our purpose in life is and we are taught grieving and joyous lessons along the way...this is just another lesson that you are meant to learn. I have MANY to learn ahead of me...i know that for a fact...but you are already there...so instead of grieving and being down....try as hard as you can to see what you are meant to learn from this situation and take that wisdom and use it to make yourself unstoppable. Help others with their losses as I am attempting to do. I hope I am helping. This started out as a search for my friends death record...cant find it.....its like he never existed...you know what that feels like? Its horrible.....not even a gravesite to go visit. So just know that things arent always as bad as they seem. .....sometimes its all in your mind....be happy you are at least still granted the opportunity to wake up every day and breath still...trust me....I know that one day you will see her again...and I will see my friend again...and until then...we just have to cope and hope and hold on with all our might ....it will be harder for me....I have much longer to wait than you....your lucky in a way......god bless and I will pray for you...sincerely... Michael Marti.....thats not really my last name yet. But it will be in a year!...I'm getting married....i think I'm right where you started at yea? wish me luck as i start my journey in life and as you enter another stage in yours....I wish and hope the best for you with all my heart. Good luck Matthew.