Q & A with David Kessler
Question from Jane
Hi David,
My name is Jane. I am a 33 year old, widowed mother of a very precious 3 year old little boy. My husband passed away June 18, 2008--just 2 days after turning 31. Even though my son was only 2 at the time of his daddy's death, I chose to go ahead and explain to him where daddy went and why daddy had to go to heaven. He prays for Daddy every night before he goes to sleep. If my three year old can accept and understand why daddy had to go, why can't I ?
Sincerely,
Jane
Answer from David
Dear Jane,
Good question. People often confuse acceptance with a loss being okay with us. The reality is that a loss will never be okay. Acceptance actually has more to do with acknowledging the reality of the loss. So, in acceptance, you are not asked to be okay or understand why your husband died, just to acknowledge that the loss has happened. Children understand death very differently than adults. Your 3-year old son is acknowledging what you have told him to be true, but he does not have the understanding or experience that you have in knowing all that has been lost. You know and understand that your husband will not be there for your son’s 5th birthday, 10th birthday, high school graduation, marriage and a million other moments that he will miss and that you will miss having him by your side.
In terms of your son, a child’s grief is held safely for them until they can see it from their development perspective. So, your son’s understanding is not over and you will have many questions to answer as the years go by and he revisits what dad’s death means to him. It hasn’t quite been a year yet. Be gentle on yourself knowing you’re doing the best you can and that as you grieve you are also modeling it for your son, other parents and generations to come. Continue to be authentic and acknowledge the tough times, and be with the confusion and allow your son to see your grieving also as he grows up. That is the best parental preparation you can give him for other losses he will deal with in his lifetime.
David
My name is Jane. I am a 33 year old, widowed mother of a very precious 3 year old little boy. My husband passed away June 18, 2008--just 2 days after turning 31. Even though my son was only 2 at the time of his daddy's death, I chose to go ahead and explain to him where daddy went and why daddy had to go to heaven. He prays for Daddy every night before he goes to sleep. If my three year old can accept and understand why daddy had to go, why can't I ?
Sincerely,
Jane
Answer from David
Dear Jane,
Good question. People often confuse acceptance with a loss being okay with us. The reality is that a loss will never be okay. Acceptance actually has more to do with acknowledging the reality of the loss. So, in acceptance, you are not asked to be okay or understand why your husband died, just to acknowledge that the loss has happened. Children understand death very differently than adults. Your 3-year old son is acknowledging what you have told him to be true, but he does not have the understanding or experience that you have in knowing all that has been lost. You know and understand that your husband will not be there for your son’s 5th birthday, 10th birthday, high school graduation, marriage and a million other moments that he will miss and that you will miss having him by your side.
In terms of your son, a child’s grief is held safely for them until they can see it from their development perspective. So, your son’s understanding is not over and you will have many questions to answer as the years go by and he revisits what dad’s death means to him. It hasn’t quite been a year yet. Be gentle on yourself knowing you’re doing the best you can and that as you grieve you are also modeling it for your son, other parents and generations to come. Continue to be authentic and acknowledge the tough times, and be with the confusion and allow your son to see your grieving also as he grows up. That is the best parental preparation you can give him for other losses he will deal with in his lifetime.
David
