Featured Article • Published March, 2010 • By David Kessler

THE FINAL GOOD-BYE

One of the ways we say good-bye to a loved one is through rituals. Rituals are an important part of our lives. They mark transitions, they are rites of passage. We have many deeply meaningful rituals—weddings, bar mitzvahs, confirmations, and last rites. Perhaps the most important of these is the funeral ritual. The funeral, the final telling of the deceased's story, helps us to accept the reality of death. It may also help us through the process of mourning. An example is when loved ones and friends, one by one, take a shovel with dirt and throw it on the casket. It is a final completion and helps mourners accept that the person has died. It is also considered to be the final act of love, since this kindness cannot be repaid.

There are many elements to our funeral rituals, including removal of the body from the place of death, washing of the remains, embalming, viewing of the body, a funeral service, a headstone or other memorial. These may or may not be important to us. Before Kevin, the artist, died, his friends asked him what he would like for a memorial. He characteristically said: "I don't care. I'll be dead. It's up to my friends to decide if they want anything." When Kevin died they decided that they wanted to hold a memo¬rial service for him. "We did it for us," one friend said. "Formally saying good-bye to our friend, together, was an important part of our grieving process."

Some people prefer to emphasize the feeling of loss, looking for a way to share their loss collectively. They often turn to pas¬sages from the Bible or Torah or to poems that express the deep sorrow they have trouble expressing individually. Others prefer not to empha¬size the sadness and grief. Instead, they want to think of their loved ones as, in a sense, living on forever.

During the past several years, I have seen more and more peo¬ple trying creative, unique ways to emphasize their loved ones' lives rather than their deaths. In some cases, memorial services have been replaced by gatherings celebrating the deceased's life.

Sometimes, unfortunately, our grief is lost in the multitude of details one can get caught up in while planning a funeral. It's not unusual for people to get so caught up in planning the funeral that they don't take the time to grieve.

Here are Tips for finding moments for yourself:

• Even if it is just ten minutes, go into a room and sit alone. You deserve a little quiet to just center yourself a bit
• Take grieving moments while the busy planning is going on. At the funeral home, ask for a few moments to sit in the chapel with family, or alone, while you are making arrangements.
• Grab a family member or close friend and just have a quick talk about all that is going on or how you are feeling.
• Delegate to others. When people ask, "what can I do?' Give them something to do to help. If you are so overwhelmed, say back to them, "I can't think of anything, how do you think you could help?"
• When talking to the Minister/priest/clergy after you discuss the services, ask for a private prayer.
• Rooms of people can be overwhelming. Take one person out at time and take small walks with them. The intimacy is healing, the walk is good for you and it will help you process all you are going though.

You will grieve for your loved one privately for the rest of your life. Allow yourself to take in all the love and companionship of saying goodbye.

At the funeral, don't be afraid to ask to come early; or, for each family member have alone time with their deceased loved one. Funeral Directors are very helpful with accommodating your individual needs.

The actual funeral ritual, whether it is a traditional funeral, a cremation, or a modern funeral is not as important as the spirit with which it is carried out. Most people want something that reflects the way the deceased lived and respects the way they want to be treated and remembered.

For more information on David visit www.grief.com.

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